Do You Swear To Tell The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Nothing But The Truth, So Help Your Black Ass Uke tab by Amanda Palmer

G                   Dm
When I was six years old my sister Alyson
F                   C
Asked for a stove for her birthday
G                   Dm
A miniature one you could actually cook with
F                   C
And my mom was nice and she bought one

G                   Dm
Alyson needed a reason to bake something
F                   C
Barged in my room and she grabbed me
She said:
G                  Dm
"I made a cake and we're going next door
F                   C
To sam weinstein's and you're getting married"

G
the cake was burned
Dm
it tasted gross
F
she made me kiss him
C
on the mouth

G
now i am 33
Dm
unmarried happily
F                     C                    G
no plans in life and i'm planning to keep it that way
Dm
i do kissing with only one mission
F                     C
do you like to kiss then you have my permission

    G                     Dm
and i have already spent too much time
F             C
doing things i didn't want to
                     G                 Dm
so if i just want to make out all the time
          F                     C
you can bet your black ass that i'm going to


G                   Dm
When I was nine I was kind of a loser
F                   C
The kids in my class didn't like me
G                   Dm
Melanie chow was the meanest of all
F                   C
And my mom made me go to her party

G                   Dm
Nobody talked to me I sat there quietly
F               C
Drawing with crayons on a napkin
G                      Dm
A picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork
F               C
Her legs getting eaten by lions

G
The cake was good
   Dm
I took some home
  F
I had a party
C
In my room
 
G                     Dm
Now I have friends and I'm not such a loser
F                C                G
But I go to bars all alone and I sit there
          Dm                 F                      C
And order red wine and I write and I like being alone around people
G         Dm
Yes that's how I like it

    G                     Dm
and i have already spent too much time
F            C
doing things i didn't want to
             G                    Dm
So if I wanna sit here and write and drink wine
         F                     C
you can bet your black ass that i'm going to

G               Dm
yes i come here often
F               C
sure i'll have another one
G             Dm
yes i come here often
F              C
sure i'll have another one
but i don't have to talk to you

G                   Dm
When I was 17 I was a blowjob queen
F                C
Picking up tips from the masters
G                              Dm
I was so busy perfecting my art I was clueless to what they were after
F                    C
Now I'm still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
G                              Dm
I don't make love now to make people love me
F                         C
But I don't mind sharing my gift with the planet
G                          Dm
We're all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic

G                Dm
When I was 25 I was a rock star
F                            C
But it didn't pay too well I had to strip on the side
G                    Dm                       F
Of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
     C
Baby they'd never know
G 
What a bargain they'd gotten
Dm
And if I'm forgotten
F                       C
I'm perfectly happy with all that has happened
G                              Dm
And I still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me
F                        C
I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me


     G              Dm
and i've already spent too much time
F               C
doing things i didn't want to

G 
so if i want to drink alone
Dm 
dressed like a pirate
    F
or look like a dyke
    C
or wear high heels and lipstick
    G
or hide in a convent
    Dm
or try to be mayor
    F
or marry a writer
  C
smoke crack and slash tires
     G
make jokes you don't like
     D
or paint ducks and retire
         F                  C
YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK ASS THAT I'M GOING TO